Walkers:
i am a fast walker. i live in Canada and it’s fucking cold outside for 6 months of the year. Canada is commonplace to find people jetting around like crayzed lunaticks as we run for the bus; run for the cab; run the for walk signal; run for whatever appointment we’re almost late for because we left late due to the damn frigid temperatures! i also have long legs.
Today i decided to bundle up for the weather and since i had no time frame of where i had to be i sent a message to my legs via the brain; “Slow the fuck down!”
Here are things i noticed whilst walking slowly from the hospital to HMV on Spring Garden road.
1. People are not dressed for the weather. It’s freakin cold out so why do i see people in cardigans shuffling along ever so rudely as they push others aside with a “Get ouf of my way! its fucking cold out!” attitude as if they had no control over their body temperature today. Cover up! Problem solved, now you don’t need to be a douchebag and push the old people out of the way, old people who have learned from their mistakes and are now properly covered up for the time of year we are in.
2. The world went and got itself in a big damn hurry. Cold weather is not always a factor in the rush, for these same folks trudge around in their blurry tunnel visioned rat race during the warmer days as well, only there are more of them out on the street in the summer therefore slowing the crowd.
Everyday we invent things to make our lives more simple. Now i don’t have to do ‘that’ anymore, therefore i have ‘this’ much more time left for myself at the end of the day. Not true. No matter what form of time saving devices we come up with, there is still not any more time left at the end of the day. If i were to purchase a time-saving device, and show my schedule at the end of the day and how it has not improved, could i return the machine for a full refund? Return my computer or software packages? what if you returned your vehicle? i do believe there is a matter of false advertising at hand here. Enough false pretenses! Tell the truth damnit!
3. Don’t feed the Ostriches, they bite! i learned the hard way, but if you can make off with one of their eggs, it will feed your family for a month.
4. Women pushing baby strollers that take up the entire sidewalk will strut down the lane taking their sweet ass time, blocking everyone, holding up the flow. i suppose they feel some societal debt is owed them after poping out a few offspring. Maybe they are right? this leads into number five, which i was a part of myself.
5. Nobody likes a slow-walker. I was pushed, nudged, commented to, stared at, gigled at and made a complete fool of myself doing my research for this report. When i walk slow, i sort of glide along in a smooth flowing motion; unlike the drones pushing ever forward to the piece of cheese awaiting them at the end of the maze, never knowing, that it will only be ‘process’ cheese.
“Move it!”, “Hurmph!”, “Sigh!” and “Ugh!” are some of what i remember hearing after that horrible walk today. These people are zigzagging across the sidewalks like the ball in a pong game; chickens with their heads cut off; nobody has any form of order when they walk, they are like complete retards, they have one single destination in mind and everything and everyone else in between them seem to be made up of some form of obscure obseleteness. It must be like moving through a crowd of ghosts when you’re the only one alive in Hell, never worrying about any of them as actual humans, never caring if they are in your face, and then it happened, i learned why this is true.
“Hey buddy can i have some chan…” and there it was. A walk-by-begging. Again almost immediately “Hey you got a smok…” another says as he passes by in a big rush not even stopping to hear my answer. I shake my fist and turn my head away towards the street in the rudest manner possible.”No!” i blurted out,
“i don’t smoke tobacco! it gives you wrinkles!” but he was already out of range. A couple of the dark colored pea coat blurs flying past stopped for a split second, long enough for me to see their expressions of disgust that i had given out personal commentary on a public street. Who was i to enact my freedome of speech in this city, and who was i to be walking so god damn slowly? Could it be that these walk-by-beggars are the reason everyone is in their own personal ipoded ‘zone’. Do they not want to deal with the harsh reality that walks past them in their own city? When i finally made it to HMV, i spent a good half hour scouring their cheap, foreign and underground indie films, during which the entire time a girl came over and pretended to ’sort’ movies from behind me on the next shelf, each time i would move to the left, she would nervously follow me.
i had noticed upon entry that there was no longer a macho superman body builder posing as a security guard this holiday season, perhaps they passed the buck down onto their lowly employees to save the buck that was previously spent on saving bucks via protection officers. Lowly employees don’t give a fuck about theft because that’s a job for security, and they start to question the sanity of their overseers.
A sales associate made eye contact with me on my way to the checkout, i was in line for only a few seconds before the same employee came rushing back for my sale. “That’s right you skinny little punk, run for my dollar!” i yelled.
“Excuse me?” he questioned
“You heard you me, you were in a rush to go that way a few seconds ago” i pointed to the back of the store
“And now you’re in a rush to get over here… make up your god damn mind”
The clerk looked at me with a wry smile and said “This movie looks good, i’ve heard great things about it”
“Sure you have!” i snapped sarcastically at the poor young lad “You people say the same thing each time i come in here!” i grabbed the case from his hand and i asked him “What’s it about?”
Panic flowed across his face like a frantic river during the spring melt.
“What?” he stuttered to save time before i made a complete fool of him.
“What, Is, The, Story… About?” i retorted.
“It’s uhmm…”
“People explode!” i yelled! “Jesus, lets get outta here Jay.”
The clerk, not understanding my schizo ways continued on his regular pace of existing.
Now at the front doors, i pause for a second to put on my gloves. i had carried my laptop case causing the knuckles to redden on my trek over here. During that brief moment, a beautiful young five foot tall blond girl flies out, nudges me aside letting out the last *Sigh* that i would hear for the day’s adventure. This entry room we were in was big enough for fat people to pass by without any disturbance. It was at this point, that i realized maybe people were only reaching out to one another for some form of sympathy or concern. Perhaps they were looking for some form of reaction from me or they sensed my inner freedome and wanted to try and shake me down to their level? More hopefully, they wanted to climb the tree i was in, and maybe live in my tree house? We shall never know the answer until i start asking some hard questions. Questions out on the street. But who, in their speedy little minds, will stop to talk to me? Not the ones i want answers from, that much is for sure.
And so tomorrow, when i attempt to get someplace in this god forsaken land of ice and snow, i will be among the groups of flyers, zoomers, jumpers and freezers as they zing along ever bitterly, and ever so heat seekingly through the maze of icey streets we call Halifax.
Peace \ /
Dr. Jay Cole